A young man from my graduating class hung himself yesterday. Although I knew him from classes throughout middle and high school, I can say little else. But here I am, unable to sleep.
The idea of killing yourself confuses me. In middle school, I had a really hard time. I felt like I didn’t have any friends, and like everyone hated me. It got to the point where my parents brought me to talk to a councilor. She asked me a lot about who I considered my friends, and how they made me feel, and how school was. At one point, she asked me if I had ever thought about killing myself. I said no, but it was kind of a lie. I HAD thought about it. But that thought process included realizing how stupid of an idea killing myself was, and how selfish and small minded I was being. There was too much love in my life for me not to see it. I don’t understand how people don’t reach that second thought, that catching yourself. How can you get so fixated that you are blinded to the idea of getting help? How does one thought become powerful enough to completely consume you? How does that thought get there in the first place?
So here I am. Sad because someone I once knew felt like he had no one to the point where he got caught up in an idea and never looked back. Sad that not everyone can find the happiness and love in their lives, even if it’s staring them in the face. Sad because suicide is still something that people turn to when they are lost, instead of looking for the map their friends hold. Sad because those who loved him and so may others now have holes in their hearts. So here I am. Sad.